|“||Ares! God of War! Please grant me the power to destroy Bruce! My coworker! If you do, I will be your loyal servant! For a week!...F-forever!||”|
John of War is a Newgrounds flash animation depicting one man's quest for vengeance against a rude coworker. It begins with the traditional "Face on the right of the screen" look, then zooms out to show John standing on his car during a violent windstorm. He cries out to Ares to give him the power to destroy his coworker, Bruce. John offers a week of servitude but changes it to forever. Ares speaks to John, asking what he wants. John replies that he wants "to slay Bruce! In cold blood...be-because he's a dick...a MEGA dick!" A flashback takes us to the previous day at John's office. His boss discusses methods to reduce cost-cutting measures, to which Bruce responds that John should stop buying French vanilla coffee cream and that he is a girl. He then adds to fire John and give himself a raise. John angrily replies, with the same booming voice, that he hates it at his job and that he wants to die. Ares chuckles and grants John a weapon of Chaos to fulfill his quest for revenge. The next day, John's boss tries to lower the negativity around the work place by having each person give the coworker across a compliment. It goes well until Bruce says that he like "how John parts his hair like a little boy." Bruce "likes" it so much that he wants to drive around in a windowless white van and take John for a ride. He adds some cream to his coffee and sips it, only to have the coffee creamer label burn off to reveal the weapon John was given: French Vanilla. John declares "Taste my delicious vengeance!", but Bruce responds that it is very delicious. John cries out in anguish as he realizes Ares has tricked him.
Bytesize Volume OneEdit
Another parody made by the same animator as John of War, this holds three humorous cartoons, each depicting separate events around John's workplace. The first involves Bruce insulting his coworker, Ted. The next has a pastor invite John to a picnic, but notes that John has been acting differently ever since he was struck by lightning the year before. John merely responds that he worships Zeus and the other Gods of Olympus. He asks if Mark is bringing his famous potato salad. The pastor confirms this and John agrees to go. The final short has John at the beach, praying to Poseidon to bless him with totally righteous waves. John has brought an offering: Mark's potato salad, which has pieces of tuna inside. Poseidon stabs his trident into the beach, which results in John's hair being blown back humorously, to which John quickly adds that he was joking about the tuna.